A 21st Birthday Present

Last night I accompanied a pub crawl in honor or Matt M.’s 21st birthday. Matt knows a crapload more about blogging than I do, but I sure as hell know more about drinking. I’ve got ten drunk years under my belt. So Matt, I offer these tips as my gift to you. Some of these rely on science, others are more in the realm of old wives tales. Use them well.

• Don’t drink on an empty stomach, unless you want to get drunk really fast and don’t mind having a terrible hangover. An optimal preparatory meal will involve large amounts of red meat, grease and starch and not a lot of vegetables. If you’re in a rush, or a really incorrigible alcoholic, you can settle your stomach for a night out with a milkshake. Really.
• Don’t mix grain and grape! This tip was given to my by my Russian friend Alex years ago when I lived in Manhattan. I’ve determined that the scientific reason behind this is because grain-based alcohols (beer, sake, vodka, gin, bourbon, whiskey) have an ethanol molecule derived from maltose sugars, whereas grape based alcohols (wine, brandy, cognac, fruit ciders) are created when yeast metabolizes fructose. You’re liver isn’t very smart, so keep things simple for it.
• The corollary to that rule is that you don’t want frilly drinks mixed with lots of stuff. Screwdrivers are vodka and orange juice — but your liver sees maltose ethanols and a bunch of fructose. Besides, you’re a man now, Matt. Men drink Martinis and bourbon on the rocks. When in doubt, order a beer. Wine coolers and Alabama Slammers should no longer pass your lips.
• I always felt “Don’t drink and drive” was too restrictive. Freedom is all about having choices! “Don’t drink or drive,” I feel, is much better. That’s why I have no car, and prefer to drink within stumbling distance of my home. If you don’t go out drinking in your car, the chances you’ll drive it home drunk are much reduced. The Muni Owl service runs until four.
• If you get bored with being drunk, weed is good, cocaine is bad. With weed, you’ll drink less in the long run. With cocaine you’ll drink much, much more and you’ll compound your hangover with wicked depression and a post-nasal drip. Plus most pot offenses in California can be settled by a fine, whereas you don’t need to be in possession of much cocaine to qualify for a felony.
• MJK offered her tip last night: “If you don’t want to get too drunk, leave your drink about three-quarters full, so no one will buy you another drink.” Sage advice, MJ, but why wouldn’t one want to get too drunk?
• Don’t pass out if you can avoid it. Your pre-sleep regimen should involve copious amounts of a water, a hot meal, and an aspirin. You should keep water by your bed so you can continue hydrating through the night. Alcohol is a vicious diuretic, and most of your hangover is dehydration.
• The best hangover cure is spicy soup. I’m particular to Vietnamese Pho and Mexican Posole. The stock will hydrate, and the chilis will help you sweat out the worst of the ethanol metabolites. Coffee, another diuretic, is not a great idea, unless you’re just desperately tired. Gatorade is more like it. I also enjoy an alka-seltzer — gets rid of the post-drinking burrito heartburn and a little of the headache in one fizzy shot.

Now I know that there’s a million others out there, but these tips have stood me in good stead. If you have any further suggestions for a young drinker, offer them up in the comments.