I Am Not Running For Mayor of San Francisco

I had too much work to get done last night to write up the GavinWatch party at El Rio. Long story short: It was fun; Eve, Beth and Mike were a riot as usual; Greg Dewar had a story involving Gavin pitching a hissy fit on his hands and knees; Dan Noyes is a really nice guy; Marc Powell looks good in a chicken costume; and I missed a bunch of people who I keep meaning to meet, including Cecilia Vega of the Chron and Steven Jones of the Guardian.

While I await Vega’s writeup and Kat Wade’s photos in the paper tomorrow, I’d like to shoot down any rumors or discussion regarding my ambitions for the office of Mayor of San Francisco, which appeared from the blue thanks to H. Brown. H., my man, I hope you aren’t smoking anything stronger than your prescription marijuana.

For starters, I’m not even sure I’d vote for myself if I ran. Smarter people than me, including my friend Jane Kim and political veteran Julian Davis, for instance, would surely make better candidates — and Jane had enough trouble winning her seat on the school board. While I wouldn’t be the first person in my family to run for mayor, unlike my grandmother Janet West I doubt I could even garner enough votes to win in Bainbridge Island like she did, much less San Francisco. For starters, I don’t have any buildings named after me.

But hey, considering that my campaign would be publicly funded, and something could go horribly wrong with the ranked choice voting tally, what if? It’s not like I couldn’t use the money. (Are candidates allowed to pay themselves a salary from campaign funds?) Like my grandmother, my platform would be centered around affordable housing, education and transportation. But as I wrote to H., “Communist candidates went out with the last Debs campaign.”

Still, walking home from the bodega, I had some goofy ideas to make The City better. Which, the second I thought of them, made me realize that it would be a frigid day in hell indeed before any San Franciscan would vote for me. Off the top of my head (honest):

• All city-owned parking lot, parking ticket and toll fees would be trebled, at least, with any new money going straight to public transit.
• Commercial vehicles, taxis, car shares, electric and alternative-fuel vehicles would be granted exceptions from increased fees.
• All lanes beyond the first two on city streets would be closed to private automobile traffic, with the rest granted first to transit, commercial vehicles and taxis, then bicycles, then pedestrians.
• Local gasoline taxes would be raised at least 25 cents a gallon, maybe even as much as $1.00. Money would go toward replacing current power generation with renewable alternatives.
• The City Attorney’s office would be tasked with making the Raker Act, tenancy disputes, minimum wage and workplace safety laws its top priorities.
• Sales taxes would be replaced with more than equivalent income tax revenue, which would only apply to households with incomes above twice the mean.
• Municipal agencies would be created to foster competitive non-profits, including a credit union open to all city residents; healthcare service providers; low-income housing development and data, power, water and gas utilities.
• Rent control laws would be strictly enforced, with Ellis Act evictions effectively policed to make sure only long-term owner-occupiers replaced tenants.
• Residential property taxes would be slightly increased, with extra money directed toward incentive programs and city-insured loans for current rental tenants to create Tenancies In Common.
• Commercial property taxes would be dramatically increased, and would be based the building’s square footage instead of footprint.
• The money would go toward fully funding the Section 8 housing program, and hopefully expanding it, after a portion was taken off the top to make it feasible to offer and expand free public transit.
• San Francisco Police would have their automobile fleet slashed by 50% or more, with the savings spent on bikes, horses and cultural education including language training.
• Officers would be allowed minimum offensive weaponry but maximum defensive safeguards, including the latest in body armor, geographic positioning and mobile communications technology.
• DEA subsidies would be rejected if necessary to ensure that drug possession and use were effectively decriminalized locally. “Intention to distribute” felonies could even be avoided by paying a stamp tax.
• Alcohol, cigarette and lottery taxes would be increased to make up the difference, and savings to public health would be compounded by increased municipal funding for harm reduction and crisis prevention efforts.
• All sex work would be dicriminalized but, again, taxed, with revenue mandated for citywide sexual health education, STD prevention efforts, domestic violence suppression and long term physical and psychological treatment for both victims and offenders.
• All city art funding would be cancelled, since government sponsored art sucks. Artists would have to deal with living in a community that supports their every basic human need for survival.
• That money would go straight to arts education in public schools.

Pipe dreams, all, and there’s more where that came from. They’re completely unpopular and unworkable, and gachillions would be spent to make sure none of them ever happened. The Board of Supervisors would become a bastion of free market fundamentalism, and there would be a run on Marin, San Mateo and Alameda property as the rich left The City. San Francisco’s tourism and restaurant industries would be severely hurt, and state and federal funding would dry up faster than Hetch Hetchy after a dam bust.

That’s because I’m an unapologetic radical, and truly believe that without some complete subversion of the status quo, no true change in the average human condition can be achieved. I’m an advocate of worldwide revolution, people! If a locality like San Francisco truly affected any improvement in the wealth disparity of the population, we would be squashed faster than the Spanish Republic, and with more relish.

Though I bet the poetry written, murals painted and songs sung would be fucking epic while they lasted.